I love my baby to death don't get me wrong he is the most beautiful little human being, but after a few weeks I just began to feel really crap and didn't feel that happy. I started to get a few weird symptoms that I didn't think were normal for a new mumma like myself. I had no confidence, I felt like I couldn't cope with this new role I had in life, I was Crying all the time, I couldn't sleep and had major anxiety which brought me back to my teenage days. This wasn't normal and then I felt so guilty that I wasn't experiencing what everyone had told me it would be like so I felt like because of how I was feeling I wasn't being the best mumma I possibly could be to my gorgeous son who couldn't survive on his own without me. I didn't really realise what was happening so I guess I could say I was being really unfair on my husband, I would snap for any little thing when he was being an amazing dad and looking after Riley while I would just sit in bed and feel terrible but I couldn't help how I was feeling. Looking after Riley during this time was so hard I had to find so much in me to actually to get up out of bed every morning and look after him while my husband was at work, I absolutely loved him deep down but I just found it hard to care for him I wasn't use to this, this responsibility it was harder than how I expected it to be I wanted my old life I had where I felt free. When people asked me how I was doing I sugar coated my experience I said it is amazing, so much easier than I thought and all that B S You can't just tell people i'm really really struggling with this, I don't want to do this anymore.
It got all too much at one stage and I just broke down I just couldn't handle it I just cried right in front of my husband, like full on cried. He was in total shock he had no clue what the hell was going on with me he thought I was going mad (I thought I was too). I told him everything how I was feeling and he was so supportive and he just wanted to get me help right away. So the next day I booked a doctors appointment and I just thought she was just going to say your hormones are going crazyyyy right now but she came right out with postnatal depression. I was like hold on... what depression?!?! I had no clue what that was I had never heard of it no one had explained what it was until then. She told me it is very common for new mummas like me to get it. I was relived to hear im not crazy and other women do get this.Being a new mum is portrayed as the most beautiful thing and for most women it is but the few of us that don't feel like that this is for you, This isn't something I really wanted to blog about but I felt a need too because In my blog posts before this I did explain it like it was perfect and some of it was true but I just made it seem sweeter than it really was because I hadn't told anyone how I was truly feeling and I felt bad lying to the people who read this blog, I wanted to write a blog that was real and not a blog with made up crap. I wanted a blog that women could relate to and for some people this happens and is part of a woman's life so I thought you the readers of this blog deserve truth and you are now getting it, as you have a right to not be reading sugar coated experiences.
My Doctor got me to see someone who could help me but at the end of the day I made it worse by keeping all inside until I broke down, everyday I didn't tell someone what I was feeling it got worse. Telling my close family and friends having them support me by husband helping me to feel better about myself and as a mum and just seeing someone really made me feel better.
Being a mumma now really is great I can truly say now being really honest it is amazing I want to make up for the type of mum I was before one who really didn't enjoy the beautiful baby I had to now appreciating every single moment I get with him! It wasn't a quick fix thing its a gradual process a very gradual process, it does get better I will promise you that,but my one tip is TALK let your feelings out to someone. It is a huge step in the right direction when you do that, it is hard trust me I know but once its out you will get help and things will start getting better and a bit easier.
I hope my story makes you aware that for not all mums having a newborn is as beautiful and lovely as it seems for a handful of people it is tough and it is a struggle and if you have,are or ever go through this terrible time you are not alone and it will get better. Im also really sorry that I wasn't completely honest in my baby updates but I just wasn't comfortable at the time expressing how I felt to the Internet without my family or friends knowing how I was feeling and I didn't even know in the early stages I had Post Natal Depression. I am well on the road to recovery now I am still getting help just to be safe, but I love my little Riley boo and I appreciate every single day and moment I get with him. All mumma's are going to be great,for some like me it just takes longer!Xxx Sammie
No comments:
Post a Comment